LOVE ME LOVE ME NOT

Dear BDiary

It’s been long since I last wrote down my two cents in here. So far I was caught-up in an emotional turbulance which disable my rational thinking and drown my happy self. Nobody said it’s going to be easy, life is not easy, relationship is not easy, and marriage CERTAINLY is not easy. Forgive me Bdiary, it was hard for me to put down my feelings in words. But now I think the time comes for me to share with you something about myself, my opinion on relationship and how far would you go for it.

I am easy to read, like an open book with illustrations. I am not good at hiding my feelings, so transparent that if I like/love somebody it shows and if I hate certain thing/person it shows even more. My action always betray my conscience, when I wanted to appear angry I’d cry, and it’s not easy to appear icy when all you want is to communicate and clear the air. When all effort to veil my feeling failed, I’d still end up crying. My heart is so fragile my tears are like windscreen shower. When I see an old lady alone at coffee shop I can’t help but think that she’s alone in life then I’d feel sad. I saw and old man at bus stop and can’t help myself thinking his children left him. And now there’s abandoned baby everywhere, my tear went auto pilot. When I’m emotional I find my way into this blog, and let you buggers read my mind. Hmmm…

If there’s anything that my heart refuse to give in easily it will be forgiveness. I don’t forgive easily, I don’t forget easily, maybe not a good quality but it keeps me from hurting myself when betrayal repeats itself. But I don’t revenge, it is not my style. Mr Vai doesn’t appologize with ease, it is always me who embrace humility to make up after each fight. When we fight he tends to space himself from me [I hate being alien to him] in order to avoid further damage from painful words we throw at each other. Truth is always painful so we deny it so often it hurts the other party. The act of humility is noble, at least to me. When you are in a relationship WORTH SAVING, it is important to know when to swallow your ego. A man will always be man, they have an ego size bigger than their brain and penis combined its true. So I always appologize although I know I wasn’t at fault. But then again after I appologize, he’ll usually realize how much I love him that I’m willing to always give in to him. And I get his respect. Most of the time it is up to us women to start an effort in order to save our love, keep the fire burning, keep the passion alive and ultimately keep HIM by ourside. Many of us tried and failed, then it may be because the relationship wasn’t meant to be. If that happens, it is not our fault. Don’t blame yourself when all your effort to save your relationship goes down into the drain, unappreciated. Don’t punnish yourself for being in the failure. But think of it as a loss for him to let go of a precious love you offered.

Note that in any argument, never show it to public or people around you. I made it a must to solve any conflict behind the kids. SMSes, e-mail, in the car are the privacy available for choice. I so far had managed to keep verbal arguments at bay by texting Mr Vai while we’re taking our time away from each other. He may be in the verandah and me in the kitchen but we always manage to solve everything without shouting at each other through SMSes. It is better that way compared to talking when mad during which we tend to slip tongue and said things we don’t really mean. At least through SMSes we get the time space to let words go through our head and let the tiny brain work on better reasoning. And then, when it comes to mending heart wound always start with a touch - on his hand. It doesn’t really matter who started the fight, for all my concern we live a short life to waste time on silly and regretful fights.

However I’m big in my effort to show my affection towards my loved ones. Never was I lack of hugs and kisses, I made it seem normal to hug and kiss Mr Vai in front of his family, and kids too. It is not to show off how loving we are, but I am determined to nurture love in the family unit itself simply by showing a good example. The first time was awkward for sure. Many men find it hard to express themselves, so be strong enough to show how. But when he doesn’t show it, do not despair. Man are like walls, you can lean on it when needed but don’t expect it to embrace you and offer soothing words like a girlfriend do.

I was always afraid of relationship that I never stand a date more than 3 months. My allergy towards men was incureable that I broke much heart along the way before I meet my husband. When I met Mr Vai I however was enchanted. I knew I want to keep him forever, grow old together and I told him so. And here we are braving the fourth year together towards many years ahead. My friends think I sacrifice a lot for him, he thinks I sacrificed everything for him but yet I think there’s nothing to gain but LOVE. I’ve waited long for this relationship to happen and to be honest I am blessed to have my dream realized. He never gave me flower, not a petal, and I never hoped for it. It is a winning game, where I have to forgo common romantic imagination for a better real life deal. But he talks like a baby when he feels like it, lie down on my lap and let me listen to his pain, ease his stress. Honestly I was underloved as a child since my step mother doesn’t show much affection towards me. Mr Vai knew of that and now he showered me with love. He watch my diet, ask me about work although I know he doesn’t understand my rambling, and even occasionally baths me *blush*. When I’m in difficult situation and he have no word of comfort to offer, he simply hugs me, and let me wet him with my tears. He is protective of me and that always bring tear to my eyes. What can I say, I am just blessed and very teary too.

So BDiary, or anybody reading,
When looking for a relationship, find one that completes you as a piece. You are a partner not an arm candy. Find the one who give back. Like me maybe you’ll have to make do with the small attention he gives for an unquestionable love and loyalty he has to offer. You may get a typical unromantic husband like mine, but unromantic doesn’t mean unloving. His affection doesn’t have to be made public, just enough for you to know is fine. Find one who appreciates, and honour you as a gift from GOD. Find one who can protect you from harm. And make sure he can accept you as who you are.

If your heart is hurt, give it some time to heal. Things happen for a reason, and time will tell what reason. The next time you find a true love, you’ll feel complete. But a successful relationship needs effort to nurture so be ready to give in whenever it matters. Never expect perfection or you’ll be disappointed. If he’s a fire then be the water. Man are meant to be superior, they were engineered that way so don’t bruise their ego. But NEVER be a doormat, know when to stand for yourself and leave. And pray…may the divine power help keep the love alive till we die, and set a good example of true love to our generations. I would love to have my future grandchildren grow up to be loving, humble and caring people, and tell their own kids about the love story of their great ancestors. That will be sweet.


Till then,
XOXO